Friday, January 20, 2012


Dear Uncle,

Congratulations on your pyrrhic victory. A major achievement for your administration, now you have every reason to pop champagne and dance to the music of Dr Sid.  You have saved the country from the throes of economic ruin and in the words of your favourite youth, “Ose”. Indeed gratitude is a small word to say for what you have done. In fact when I woke up this morning and saw soldiers on the streets, my heart was filled with pride. Your show of strength is a warning to those disgruntled protesters that you are not a weak ruler.  That you would crush any opposition, save for those people who hate western education. Uncle, don’t listen to the critics encouraging you to take them on, don’t they know that you are from the Delta, and as we say there is no “Mumu” from our region. Please concentrate on the matter at hand; a matter of urgent national attention. This is a very important assignment, a divine task to transform our country economically. You should be commended not condemned by the people, but please forgive them, they don’t know what is good for them and where the shoe “pinches”, after all most of them wore shoes to school and you didn’t.  Now that you are in a position to wear one, you can truly tell where it hurts. Pray uncle what is your shoe size?  A very good friend of mine who is into oil and gas business would like to know. He told me in confidence that as part of his efforts to ensure he secures a lucrative deal and also in appreciation of your fight against corruption, he is willing to buy you 365 pairs of shoes. He promised that as long as his contract run, you would not lack shoes. Trust me sir, I told him to jump into the Lagos lagoon with his offer. If shoe were a problem, there would have been budgetary provision for it. If you could budget close to six million dollars for food alone, then you would have done the same for shoes if it were absolutely necessary. My friend is a jester and is highly recommended for a political appointment. Every king needs jesters in his court.  Sorry, I digress, back to the crux of the matter.

Truth is, the new policy of your administration is welcome development. We know that there is a wicked cabal bent on pushing the country to the edge of the precipice and you have displayed exceptional courage hitherto lacking in your administration in confronting these economic saboteurs.  Well done sir, I shall move from neighbor to neighbour asking them to come out en masse to celebrate the country’s new messiah. I have personally earmarked huge sums of money for musicians who are willing to wax lyrical about your achievement. Better still; a concert will be organized to herald this new era for our country. It is truly the dawn of a new era. We would witness unprecedented growth and development. With the revenue that would accrue to the country from your new policy, our streets will be paved with gold; every village would have a refinery; healthcare will be free for all and sundry; hospitals will have the best facilities in the world consequently top government officials will no longer travel abroad to treat headache and constipation; epileptic power supply would be history; manufacturers would reclaim warehouses from churches. This new policy would take our country to her apogee. I can see your name written in gold in the annals of the country’s history.

However sir, I am worried. So to allay my fears, can you please tell me if your subjects would be alive to see the glorious future? Wont majority of them have died from the burden of the new policy? Just asking and if my questions are provocative, please forgive me; blame it on the naivety of youth. And I don’t want you to call out an entire battalion of soldiers to deal with me.

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