Dear Uncle,
Congratulations on your pyrrhic victory. A major achievement for
your administration, now you have every reason to pop champagne and dance to
the music of Dr Sid. You have saved the country from the throes of
economic ruin and in the words of your favourite youth, “Ose”. Indeed gratitude
is a small word to say for what you have done. In fact when I woke up this
morning and saw soldiers on the streets, my heart was filled with pride. Your
show of strength is a warning to those disgruntled protesters that you are not
a weak ruler. That you would crush any opposition, save for those people
who hate western education. Uncle, don’t listen to the critics encouraging you to
take them on, don’t they know that you are from the Delta, and as we say there
is no “Mumu” from our region. Please concentrate on the matter at hand; a
matter of urgent national attention. This is a very important assignment, a
divine task to transform our country economically. You should be commended not
condemned by the people, but please forgive them, they don’t know what is good
for them and where the shoe “pinches”, after all most of them wore shoes to
school and you didn’t. Now that you are in a position to wear one, you
can truly tell where it hurts. Pray uncle what is your shoe size? A very
good friend of mine who is into oil and gas business would like to know. He
told me in confidence that as part of his efforts to ensure he secures a lucrative
deal and also in appreciation of your fight against corruption, he is willing
to buy you 365 pairs of shoes. He promised that as long as his contract run,
you would not lack shoes. Trust me sir, I told him to jump into the Lagos
lagoon with his offer. If shoe were a problem, there would have been budgetary
provision for it. If you could budget close to six million dollars for food
alone, then you would have done the same for shoes if it were absolutely
necessary. My friend is a jester and is highly recommended for a political
appointment. Every king needs jesters in his court. Sorry, I digress,
back to the crux of the matter.
Truth is, the new policy of your administration is welcome
development. We know that there is a wicked cabal bent on pushing the country
to the edge of the precipice and you have displayed exceptional courage
hitherto lacking in your administration in confronting these economic
saboteurs. Well done sir, I shall move from neighbor to neighbour asking
them to come out en masse to celebrate the country’s new messiah. I have
personally earmarked huge sums of money for musicians who are willing to wax
lyrical about your achievement. Better still; a concert will be organized to
herald this new era for our country. It is truly the dawn of a new era. We
would witness unprecedented growth and development. With the revenue that would
accrue to the country from your new policy, our streets will be paved with
gold; every village would have a refinery; healthcare will be free for all and
sundry; hospitals will have the best facilities in the world consequently top
government officials will no longer travel abroad to treat headache and
constipation; epileptic power supply would be history; manufacturers would
reclaim warehouses from churches. This new policy would take our country to her
apogee. I can see your name written in gold in the annals of the country’s
history.
However sir, I am worried. So to allay my fears,
can you please tell me if your subjects would be alive to see the glorious
future? Wont majority of them have died from the burden of the new policy? Just
asking and if my questions are provocative, please forgive me; blame it on the
naivety of youth. And I don’t want you to call out an entire battalion of
soldiers to deal with me.
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