NIGERIA’S MAN OF THE YEAR 2009

Fellow Nigerians, ladies and gentlemen; after careful consideration from our distinguished, indefatigable panel of judges – me, myself and I; we have safely arrived at the names of the four leading contenders for Royal Rumble Nigeria Man of the Year 2009.

After a grueling contest that lasted for 12 solid rounds of impact, these are the chosen fantastic four (suggestions are welcome).

(Suspense music Interlude…Gan! Gan!...plus the normal Nollywood movie sound)

Contender Number 1….HOOO-RICAA….AAAANE SA-NUUUU-SIIIIIIII!!!

He exploded into the scene like a hurricane (or maybe a tsunami), and with one massive earth shaking swoop, he swept off five powerful Nigerian bank CEOs, including one that had once been named the CEO’s CEO, from their number one, hitherto untouchable positions. Measuring on a Richter scale of 8.5, Hurricane Sanusi reverberated not only in the 25 banking halls, but also in the hallowed vaults of Nigeria’s richest men and business magnates. The tremors are still felt everywhere in Nigeria’s economy. It took many months for the shock to subside in the banking sector, and maybe longer for the tremors to disappear from giving out loans to big, medium and small scale clients. Some say the impact of Sanusi is a good thing for the economy, especially on this road to recovery from the global financial meltdown. For delivering a financial uppercut to banking mafia, LAMIDO 'HURRICANE' SANUSI makes our cut.

(Wild cheers and jeers from the crowd in the jam packed arena)

Contender Number 2…DIE HARD (Part 1, 2, and 3) A-MOOOOOOOO-DUUU!!!

He ‘wumbled and fumbled’ throughout the duration of the qualifier matches for FIFA 2010 World Cup in South Africa, but he still delivered the massive knockout out punch to the dreaded Carthage Eagles from Tunisia with a last minute swerve of timbre, steel and Yaklibre. For most of the rounds, he was written off by many Nigerians as no good for the job, that he couldn’t deliver the ticket….

(He! He! He! But who’s laughing now, the coach at Amodu’s corner sneers)

For literally snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, qualification from the tentacles of world cup elimination, for being resilient and getting results in the face of criticism, for making one hundred and forty million Nigerians happy, for making his fellow home grown local coaches proud…

(You better win the Nations’ Cup, o, Amodu, or else….someone threatened from the VIP corner)

….For qualifying Supper Eagles to South Africa 2010 against all odds, SHAIBU 'DIE-HARD' AMODU qualifies for our final nod.

(We don win o! We don win!.. Amodu’s fan club at the stands sings rapturously)

Contender Number 3…THE IRREPLACEABLE-INCORRUPTIBLE GAAAAAAA-NII!!!

For many years, he was the lone voice crying in Nigeria’s wilderness, until the cold hands of death snatched him away from mother earth. Gani…oh Gani…..(the announcer sobs, blows his nose into the microphone and wipes a tear. There is silence in the packed arena, in one stroke of bizarre, the whole arena goes on a one minute silence for the late legal luminary)

(Please tell that olofofo presenter to get on with the show, or else we lose our commercial time slots! barked one of the guys at the advertisement corner. Suddenly, someone gets into the rings and motions the announcer to continue)


…the whole nation mourned when he passed onto eternal glory. No Nigerian president, dead or alive, has ever provoked such heartfelt emotions from Nigerians, regardless of tribe and race. He survived the military mafia and its Godfathers, even the feared Don Abachaleone. Gani singlehandedly took on the military and civilian establishments and pummeled them to concede for the sake of Nigerians. For being the dogged fighter for the masses, for being selfless and a true patriot to the end, the IRREPLACEABLE GANI gets our nod.

(The whole arena erupts in a crescendo of applause; our unseen mics could even pick out the ones coming from the viewers watching at home, seriously)

CONTENDER NUMBER 4…DO-RA F-I-R-E-B-R-A-N-D AKUUU….UUUN-Y-I-L-I

She swerves the national ring like a Mohammed Ali, she delivers uppercuts to fake drug merchants like a Mike Tyson, she has a sugar punch like Sugar Ray Leonard. By sheer willpower and infectious zeal to ‘rebrand’ the battered image of the country, Dora singlehandedly turned rebranding into a national circus. And with one ferocious jab, she delivers a technical knockout to Sony and their PS3 advertisement off the commercial space that they were literally begging on their knees when they came to Nigeria to issue an apology….

(I’m not sure that Mama Dora has seen Matt Damon’s The Informant, all the fire from rebranding drive would have been let loose, one fan whispered to another)

(Announcer continues)….For giving us a Good People, Great Nation tag, rebranded image, for making Nigerians and the world see and know that Nigerians are really good people, despite the yahoo-yahoo boys, their cronies and the corruption in high places, for giving Nigeria a rebranded image in the eyes of the world, through the power of the media, for giving ‘rebranding’ a new swagger, for the ongoing rebranding project that would not be forgotten by posterity ….

(Finish the announcement, you rebranding sh…t, one angry fan, obviously not on Dora’s corner, shouted)

…And so we present to you….the iron lady of the Federal executive council, D-O-R-A ‘REBRANDING FIRE-BRAND’ A-K-U-N-Y-I-L-I, as our fourth contender for the title.

(Can you please just rebrand PHCN, minimum wage, Nigerian Police Force, Refineries, roads, infrastructure, education… another yelled from the stands)

(Shut up, mr olofofo, rebranding has to start from somewhere, whether you like it or not, Dora’s staff shouted from her corner. Dora smiles off the camera) (Somewhere at the stands, a heated argument broke out)


...And now for the big moment you all have been waiting for. Fellow Nigerians, LADIES AND GENTLEMENT, the stage is now set for the Royal Rumble in the Nigerian Jungle 3. We now present to you the Undisputed King of the Ring, Nigeria’s Man of the Year 2009…the one and only….

(Just then, electrical power went off and the whole arena was thrown into darkness…)

(N-E-P-A!!! THE crowd screamed in disappointment).

(Backstage: Oh no, not PHCN again! This broadcast is being beamed live on satellite, man! For Rebranding’s sake, put on the generators Yabaruwa!

(There is no fuel sir).

Then, import it, damnit!)

(Meanwhile, there is an announcement from the JIT, the national broadcaster of the big event.

...Viewers, we are sorry for the break in transmission, it is due to power failure. But we can unequivocally tell you that nationwide and worldwide voting has already begun. And for any contender that has not been mentioned here, please you can send in your nominations and the organizers will consider him or her as a wild card entry. For now, we have to go on a commercial break. As soon as PHCN restores electricity and we receive signal, we would continue with our live transmission. Thank you).

Long Live the Federal Republic of Nigeria

© ARUKAINO UMUKORO